VeteranLight I don't have all the words right now but this film is a work of art.

Smartorhypo Highly Overrated But Still Good

FirstWitch A movie that not only functions as a solid scarefest but a razor-sharp satire.

Arianna Moses Let me be very fair here, this is not the best movie in my opinion. But, this movie is fun, it has purpose and is very enjoyable to watch.

Jonny Foulger To begin, one must discuss our protagonist, Vinnie Jones. Such a diverse actor allows this film to truly play to his strengths. At one point, I thought he was going to cry, but of course not - he is a man. Invariably, other than the truly great performance of Mr. Danny Dyer, the best caricature performed by diverse acting quality, the stand out performer is Jason 'The Monk' Statham.In his three glorious lines of dialogue, Statham esquire (our god) gives an incredible embodiment of an accent from some vague region in the north. It was only after following upon further research on the great man that one discovered that rather to my great surprise his locale was not of such an area, but instead of midland descent. Arguably, one may consider that 'The Stath' does not need lines, but instead is brought alive by a script that relies on the expressive capability of his face. This gives brevity and a continual sincerity to his humble beginnings.The prior reciprocity displayed between both Jones and Statham adds a great deal of gravitas and a hapticity that one can truly grasp, much like this very review. Their footballing credentials whilst at grammar school (1978-1983) therefore supports the particular bond depicted on screen. Statham's career in diving is substantially exhibited by his abs which are clearly shown in his inaugural scene. These are quite simply hewn from obsidian, and connote a particular majesty in his on screen presence. Criticisms with the film are few, but fraught. In particularity, the scene of a coital nature between Vinnie 'Mean Machine' Jones and the governor's receptionist is quite frankly appalling. More needs to be made of Statham's abs and moreover his truly masculine body art. Also the governor's eyebrows require their own role and are wasted on such trivial application. Despite this, the film is literally perfect. This is delineated through a true stamp of quality - the Umbro branding, which is extraordinarily consistently prominently well placed. In summary, this film personifies the true nature of English heritage and the argument that Jason Statham is indeed on his way to becoming a true national treasure, such as Gary Lineker. This film indeed (re)devines the vernacular of modern day sporting cinema and such should be inducted into the cinematic hall of fame. A must for viewers of all ages, especially lovers of art house theatre.-Da Boiz-

Turley_1993 Danny Meehan(Vinnie Jones), a former captain of the English national football team who was banned from football for life for fixing a match between England and Germany, is sentenced to three years in Longmarsh prison for assaulting two police officers after a lengthy drinking session and driving wildly to a local bar, whilst in prison he gets asked to coach the guards but refuses. Meehan (Jones) then goes on to make a team of convicts, with half the people in Longmarsh not liking him it wont be an easy task.This film is very good; it involves violence & humour at the same time. It's not for younger viewers due to the language & violence involved in some scenes. I like this film because of its story line & casting.I would give the film 4 stars out of 5.

RondoHatton I just found this at my local library, and I was surprised I hadn't heard of it before. Now that I've seen it, I can see why it had gone unnoticed. Featuring a cadre of the main actors from "Greenfingers" and "Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels", when the opening credits rolled and I saw "Based on the film 'The Longest Yard'", I went "Uh oh". Being an American, is it unpatriotic of me to say I this is nearly the equal of the original? Of course, there's very few movies with Burt Reynolds that are worth more than a glance("Deliverance" being a huge exception). While "The Longest Yard" tried to be so hip and anti-establishment, "Mean Machine" is just fun, and we get to see David Kelly play a sweet old fart. Now there's a surprise, but he's so good at it! One-time sex symbol David Hemmings gets a big nod just for his eyebrows, which are massive, but he has this air of barely-controlled rage that I always enjoy, such as in "Last Orders", and I enjoyed seeing Vinnie Jones with long hair. Hey, it's only about an inch long, but that's long compared to most of his roles. There's some pathos, a tiny bit of sex, and some barely-adequate, mostly slapstick & boots in the groin humor. My favorite funny bit was the football commentary by Bob & Bob(Jason Flemyng & Jake Abraham), and the fact the guards' side wore kit that looked like Barstoneworth United("Ripping Yarns"- "Golden Gordon") All in all, as a prison movie, this is no "Green Mile". It's barely up with "Lucky Break". As a soccer/football movie, it's no "Goal!", but it's better than what I'd expect "Soccer Dog" was. It's fun, I was entertained, and that's not a bad thing. The only truly terrible thing is it forced me to look back at the work of Burt Reynolds for this review.

Neil Welch A British remake of an American movie, there is quite a lot to like here, not least that it is quite funny at time.Vinnie Jones is, it must be said, not the greatest actor in the world, but he does have screen presence, and he has decent soccer skills (no surprise there). The rest of the cast out-act him, though, with the exception of Jason Statham who should never have been asked to perform with a Scots accent. Jason Statham is to Scots accents as Seth Rogen is to ballet.The film is a game of two halves, Brian, the first half being training and the second half being the match itself. And,while the outcome is never in any real doubt, the match is managed sufficiently well to keep up a decent level of suspense as to what will happen, especially when David Hemmings' weaselly prison governor weighs in with a late penalty (so to speak).Good, undemanding fun.