Steinesongo Too many fans seem to be blown away

SoftInloveRox Horrible, fascist and poorly acted

Tacticalin An absolute waste of money

Aneesa Wardle The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

Coventry I haven't figured out yet whether "Vampire Hookers" is the most retarded movie of all times, but I can most certainly confirm already that it earned a spot in the top ten for sure. Basically this means that I cannot possibly reward it with a rating higher than 2 out of 10, but – and this is contrary to all genuine bad movies with a similar rating – I don't want the rating to discourage anyone from watching it! Quite the opposite, in fact, "Vampire Hookers" comes with my warmest recommendation in case you're an avid fan of cheap and sleazy 70s exploitation cinema. Why? Simply because it's pure brainless and unscrupulous entertainment with a non- existent plot, lunatic characters, infantile toilet humor and gratuitous sex; that's why! Cirio H. Santiago was the contemporary king of Filipino exploitation rubbish and here he even managed to cast John Carradine in a top-billing role. However, like in most of the films released during the last decade of his career, he only just stands around with a disinterested look on his face and whines his lines almost inaudibly. He depicts a sort of fancy white-suited vampire patriarch living underneath a graveyard in a Filipina coastal town, together with his three beautiful, luscious and voluptuous…err…brides! They have local slaves, aspiring vampires actually, that lure horny men to the graveyard so that they can feast on their bodies and blood. When their supervisor doesn't return after a wild night of fun, two worried Navy Sailors start their own investigation. The screenplay of this lousy but charming flick is full of bad jokes, but you'll laugh out loud anyway because the comical situations are so cheesy, inappropriate and misfit. The type of humor featuring in "Vampire Hookers" is probably best illustrated through the character of the exploitation regular Vic Diaz. He plays a fat and filthy henchman who farts continuously, and when he discovers he finally receives vampire fangs, he gets so ecstatic and jumpy that the walls of the entire underground lair come tumbling down. Also, and this is truly remarkable, Cirio H. Santiago proves with "Vampire Hookers" that even 10-minute sex orgies featuring three beautiful women can be overlong and boring; especially when they keep their panties on!

Scott LeBrun If you're looking for a cheerfully inane, lowbrow "late show" type of movie that just has fun with itself, look no further than Cirio H. Santiagos' "Vampire Hookers", an endearingly silly enterprise with gorgeous gals, a fair bit of atmosphere, and absolutely no shortage of fart gags.John Carradine stars as Richmond Reed, suave blood sucking pimp with a trio of amazingly luscious ladies of the night - Cherish (Karen Stride), Suzy (Lenka Novak), and Marcy (Katie Dolan). They set their sights on a bumbling pair of horny Navy sailors, Tom (Bruce Fairbairn, 'The Rookies'), and Terry (Trey Wilson, "Raising Arizona") who've been out and about looking for a good time. Both Tom and Terry are cowards, but Tom can't resist the ladies for too long.Even at 80 minutes, one can feel the padding on this thing, but it's good for laughs and cheap thrills all the way. Ever lovable Vic Diaz has one of the silliest parts of his career as the servant to Reed and his girls, a man who desperately wants to be a vampire but who has an uncontrollable flatulence problem that makes lying in a coffin difficult. Fairbairn and Wilson are a reasonably engaging comedy pair, with Wilson particularly funny as a guy who feels the need to tell a certain story over and over. Stride, Novak, and Dolan are oh so delectable and help to keep the movie compulsively watchable, while the always reliable Carradine is clearly having a whale of a time as the dapper villain who just loves to quote poetry, and who informs us that while Shakespeare was a vampire, Walt Whitman was not. The music by Jaime Mendoza-Nava is enjoyable, as are the various sets. Best of all, there's a folksy title theme song playing over the end credits (as the main actors get a curtain call) that is simply awesome. You've just gotta hear it.All in all, this is an agreeable midnight movie for genre fans looking for some undemanding fun.Seven out of 10.

Steve Nyland (Squonkamatic) I have been trying to make myself "like" this nearly unwatchable horror/comedy for a couple years now and am getting nowhere.Shot in the Phillipines on the cheap, starring a bunch of nobodies and featuring John Carradine's most forgettable screen appearance as Count Dracula [though sharply outfitted with a white linen suit complete with Panama hat; he looks great!], VAMPIRE HOOKERS pretends to be kinky horror fare but wallows in fart jokes, transvestite jokes, racial humor and awful disco music. Nai Bonet's NOCTURNA with it's sleepy boogie scenes and breathtaking bathtub scene by it's star doesn't seem like such a bad movie after suffering through VAMPIRE HOOKERS again. At least they could dance -- all the jokes in HOOKERS fall flat on my eyes & ears, there is no real horror, and the question of whether or not there are really girls in this movie at all sort of reduces it all to a cringe inducing slog of 90 minutes. The fact that it seems to go on and on forever doesn't help, and while I am as nostalgic for the late 1970's as the next guy one can at least take heart in the fact that human kind effectively evolved beyond a state where movies like this are possible. If you've ever wondered why there hasn't been a re-release of this for the digital age, STOP, because people often find themselves getting exactly what they asked for and regretting it. Beyond a fabulous title, VAMPIRE HOOKERS is unredeemable, uninteresting crapola, and that is what Out of Print prior rental tapes were invented for.Avoid it; * 1/2 out of a possible ****.

DJK Two female vampires pretend to be prostitutes at the urging of their male counterpart. You probably can guess the rest of the plot. The movie is pointless and crude.