Sodindo Banana
Back in the 80's, we didn't have CGI... we had Gold's Gym.(So I tell "the youngsters")This movie is a vehicle for charisma, pure & simple, and a fantastic example of something being more than the sum of its parts. Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's another 1980's Conan rip-off. Yes, it looks bad. And no, the plot does nothing to remedy *any* of this.But who cares? I just finished reviewing The Force Awakens, the Carefully Calculated Cash Cow that the Star Wars franchise has tragically yet inevitably become. Which immediately brought this goofy old muscle movie to mind... because it's the polar opposite, and glory-glory-hallelujah is that a good thing.Here's the "story": some admittedly weak gypsy stuff happens for a bit, and then the rest of the movie is two ridiculously huge bodybuilder barbarians acting like the big goofs that they are.The End. Roll credits.In all seriousness, though, these guys have more natural charisma in their *headbands* than the super-duper-über new Star Wars movie that's currently steamrolling toward the $2 billion mark worldwide. That's right, a couple of oafs thumping plastic(?) monsters in the presence of a fog machine is *infinitely* better entertainment than Death Star #3 and its accompanying (overrated) special effects.Zero pretentiousness. Zero much of anything substantive, really! Just good old fun.
Woodyanders
Brawny twin brothers Kutchek and Gore join forces to rescue their kidnapped queen Canary (a bewitching turn by the strikingly lovely and radiant Virginia Bryant) from the vile clutches of evil tyrant Kadar (veteran bad guy thesp Richard Lynch in fine wicked form) so they can restore the itinerant gypsy tribe they were adopted from to its former glory. Feisty outlaw gal Kara (a winningly spunky portrayal by the incredibly comely Eva LaRue) helps our endearingly thick-skulled musclehead heroes out.Director Ruggero Deodato, working from a blithely inane script by James R. Silke, wisely doesn't take the silly story seriously, maintains an engaging tongue-in-cheek tone throughout, keeps the enjoyably asinine plot moving along at a brisk pace, stages the sword fights with gusto, and even tosses in a few decent bits of splatter. The cast have a grand time with the campy material: Peter and David Paul make for amiable leads, Sheeba Alahani really sinks her teeth into the juicy role of formidable and treacherous sorceress China, Michael Berryman likewise has a ball as vicious lackey the Dirtmaster, and George Eastman pops up in a nifty bit as slimy arms dealer Jacko. Pino Donaggio's robust score hits the rousing spot. Gianlorenzo Battaglia's glossy cinematography and the pretty lavish production values provide an impressively polished look (the giant animatronic dragon in particular is quite gnarly). The bevy of luscious scantly clad harem girls supplies plenty of delectable eye candy. Good dumb fun.
Brian Bell
Where do I start about this film. I love it! As a child, the Conan movies and Clash of the Titans were my favorites. I watched everything and anything that had a warrior, sorcerer, dragon, knight, etc., on it's VHS cover. Back when video stores rained supreme and there was no internet to watch trailers, no movie review sites, and no IMDb (the horror!), the cover of the VHS was what made you pick it up and read the 2 or 3 paragraph synopsis of the film (and look at a picture or 3 if you were lucky), or just walk right by it and keep browsing until something caught your eye. The "Sword and Sandal" genre was my favorite (along with sci-fi) but was also probably the most plagued with awesome cover art that mislead you on the often crappy, low quality movies (which I still loved). And one day, I picked up the movie The Barbarians...The Barbarians is directed by Italian director Ruggero Deodato (most famous for his 1980 cult horror Cannibal Holocaust), and he makes an adventure comedy that is one of the "best worst movies" ever made. The film opens in a serious tone, complete with narration explaining who the Ragneks are, essentially free spirited traveling entertainers. As we see the caravan of colorfully clad Ragneks traversing a lush landscape (the film is filled with beautiful scenic landscapes and locations), a band of horsemen is suddenly upon them and starts killing off the peaceful entertainers. After a long, entertaining chase scene (with a decent amount of blood and death!), we meet our film's main villain, Kadar (Richard Lynch, The Sword and the Sorcerer). He wants a magical gem the Ragneks are known to have, and the Ragnek Queen Canary (the stunning Virginia Bryant in one of her 6 film roles) as his companion. During this scene, which is 15 minutes into the movie at this point, we meet two young twin boys and a young girl (who become our heroes later). After more killing, Queen Canary promises to go with Kadar (Lynch) if he and his men promise to never hurt the 3 children...Now fast forward 17 years, we finally meet the title characters, twins Gore and Kutchek, aka the Barbarian Brothers. For better or worse, these two muscle bound knuckle heads turn an otherwise serious movie into an all out fantasy comedy. The brothers, kept separated and told the other was killed, have been tortured and trained as gladiators, each tormented by a man in a mask (one brother by an iron mask, the other brother a brass mask). The brother's, each now the size of Arnold in Conan, are made to wear the other brothers' tormentor's mask (still with me?) and put in a cage to fight each other to the death! Of course the masks come off after a few swift blows and the brother's realize they have been lied to and decide they have to team up to break out. Now free, they decide they must rescue Queen Canary and kill the evil Kadar who killed their people and imprisoned them all those years. They soon team up with young, lovely Kara (Eva La Rue, CSI Miami), who just so happened to be that young girl from the beginning! The trio ventures forth in search of weapons and the aforementioned magical jewel, getting into bar fights (there is a great scene with Italian cult actor George Eastman), battling a werewolf creature, zombies and even a giant dragon (which is one of the most laughably mechanical dragons ever put on film!).The Barbarians is a bad movie no doubt about it, but it knows exactly what it is and goes for it. It is one of those films that is so bad that it is great. The Paul brothers are so over the top, they are clearly not actor's (one of them has the worst over the top laugh ever heard on film). They obviously are not even trying to act and instead use their charisma and charm (if you can call it that) to make an entertaining, fun, fantasy adventure comedy. The movie is full of brawn, babes, swords, sorcerers, monsters, action and laughs. If you like bad movies, sword and sandal flicks, or Italian exploitation films, then The Barbarians is definitely for you and could quit possibly be a new favorite! I just hope that this film get's a DVD/blu ray release soon, because unless you want to spend $50 - $100 on an old VHS on eBay, the only way you can currently (2012) see this fantastic piece of trash cinema is on YouTube, cut up in 10 minute increments, in low resolution. This cult classic is remembered by a select few, but most that remember it, remember it fondly. And some, like myself, will treasure this movie for decades to come...
HaemovoreRex
This was directed by Ruggero Deodato, a true icon to many horror film fans after he directed the seminal and notorious Cannibal Holocaust. However, don't expect to find any such notoriety in the film reviewed here as it proves to be incredibly tame in comparison and plays more like a Conan inspired outing for a young audience.Such a description may instantly put off most fans of the whole Conan inspired Sword & Sorcery genre but before you turn your nose up at this, it has to be said, this movie is just so much fun!It's mostly played for laughs and features two HUGE and highly likable heroes in the form of David and Peter Paul aka. the Barbarian Brothers who both seem to be having a ball with their characters.B-Movie favourite Richard Lynch turns up as the main villain in the piece and it's also great to see roles for Big George Eastman and Michael Berryman.Added to this, the ladies are stunning to behold and suitably scantily attired throughout the films duration (a staple and much welcomed ingredient in the genre!)What can I say, - this simply is a really fun and lighthearted take on the genre and I recommend it wholeheartedly!
