VividSimon Simply Perfect

WillSushyMedia This movie was so-so. It had it's moments, but wasn't the greatest.

Ariella Broughton It is neither dumb nor smart enough to be fun, and spends way too much time with its boring human characters.

Haven Kaycee It is encouraging that the film ends so strongly.Otherwise, it wouldn't have been a particularly memorable film

fedor8 I saw several of these daft, wonderfully 70s, "Schoolgirl Reports", many years ago, and I think this one is the most fun. If you're looking for retarded (very) soft porn, which almost comes off as comedy, then you really cannot do any better than this. Narrated by a guy who sounds like a pervert who wants to fool the audience by trying to be on his best behavior (i.e. without the usual heavy panting), this little anthology has only one drawback: it's only 70 minutes long. Part of what makes these stories fun and not dull is the cretinous, bizarre dialogue.It starts off with a typical male fantasy about a flat-chested but otherwise solid-looking German student who offers her body to her maths teacher as a bribe to save her dismal grades. The middle-aged teacher is (but of course) totally shocked and quite reluctant to jump onto the nearest table and take advantage of what would normally be the offer of his life. It's only due to her persistence (and him having consulted with his twixt-the-legs member) that he finally caves in. He has hot German sex with the trollop, falls in love with her, but after she'd received her fixed A grade, she dumps the prof like a cold potato.The next story is a "let's play doctor" type of thing. A perverted 50-ish-looking man goes door-to-door, seeking out intellectually-dead females whom he then sexually molests, all the while pretending to be a doctor who is just examining their bodies because of an "epidemic outbreak". And because this movie is a male fantasy like any other porn (hard, soft, or very soft), the "good" doctor has great success: he finds a pretty redhead who let's a total stranger into her flat, undresses for him within a minute of him entering, and then moans with pleasure as he inserts his "thermometer" inside her. At that point she asks "can you leave your thermometer with me?". He responds: "Sorry, I can't. I need it myself, I've only got one". Or something like that... You get the picture. And to think so many guys go to medical school just to get to watch women undress for them! They should have paid more attention to "Die Schulmaedchereportagenfilme", and realized that it only takes to press a door-bell, and any fantasy can come true! Of course, provided that you can find women as retarded and as nymphomaniac as these very fictional and unreal German floozies...The narrator grimly informs us that the "doctor" succeeded 42 times with this shtick! No wonder: in the world of "Schulmaedchenreportagen" all young women are either sexually twisted succubii, or totally naive Heidis from the Alps that have never heard of or even seen sex(ual organs) in their lives. (The middle aged and older people are, naturally, either totally repelled by the very thought of sex or are the very innocent victims of the sex-starved, cartoonishly decadent German Lolitas.) The third installment even has an anti-racism message! But that is typical of this series: the phony "social relevance" of these stories is constantly underlined by the sleazy narrator, lest we commit the foolish error of thinking that this is mere harmless sexploitation fare. The story, complete with a prototype 70s women-bathing-together segment, is about a black woman that is envied/hated by her female German peers to the extent to which they trap her by inviting her to a party just so they can all sexually degrade her. (It ain't easy bein' black in ol' Germany...) The following story is just a plot-less teen party, with an extreme obese girl telling everyone that she can get laid any time she wants. Then there is some dull stuff, then another male fantasy about four extremely sex-starved girls who practically rape a clownish moron on a beach. After that is a very silly story about an 18 year-old girl who falls in love with her 19 year-old brother (more like 25), with whom she shares a room. The narrator informs us that the two "live with their parents in a three-bedroom flat". The sleazoid obviously knows his maths just as bad as the dumb bimbo from the first story, otherwise he would have realized that three rooms are enough for each of the siblings to have their own room (the parents being in one, obviously... or is it common in Germany to cram all the kids (whatever few that they have) into one room, while the mother and father each have their own sleeping/living quarters?). The actress that plays the incestuous harlot is one of the best-looking in the movie. Watch and laugh as she ever-so-casually spies on her brother as he undresses...

lazarillo The 1970's German "schulmadchen report" films seemed to have been consigned to the dust-bin of history only a few years ago, but more recently, perhaps due to the current "barely legal" fad in American porn, many have been resurrected on DVD. But while the modern American "barely legal" porn movies (from the admittedly very little I've seen) either feature disturbingly young looking girls barely over the age of consent or the typical 25-year-old porn starlets with over-sized breast implants and tattoos very unconvincingly portraying "teenagers", the schulmadchen films are a very happy medium. The girls are fresh and nubile girl-next-door types, but don't really look underage. The most famous actress in these films, Cristina Lindberg, was in her early 20's then, and by now, of course, is old enough to be the mother of someone like me. (If Lindberg WERE your mother though, would you EVER stop breast-feeding?).Like the rest of these films this consists of a number of sexy vignettes supposedly based on what real-life German teenagers of the day were up to. In the first one, an attractive senior is flunking math. So what can she do to get her strict male teacher to give her a passing grade? Hmmm? In another vignette a creep guy disguises himself as a doctor so he can give "check-ups" to naive teenage girls home alone (which would never work in America where doctors don't make house-calls even if you call them). This gives one horny young couple an idea of how they can get together right under their parents' noses. Then there is a sensitive story of interracial relationships and gratuitous shower scenes. Finally the most controversial story has the aforementioned Crisina Lindberg playing a girl who's in love with her brother. Despite the appalling lack of taste here, Lindberg as always is the quintessential actress for these kind of films since she had the fresh, innocent face of an 18-year-old virgin and the voluptuous body of a burlesque era stripper.I would recommend this for all the perverts out there, of course, especially as an alternative to wasting your money on more modern-day (and more morally dubious) "barely legal" porn. But movies like this will also certainly appeal to ANYONE who enjoys undraped females, as well as people like me who might watch sex films more ironically. Movies like this may have "driven parents to despair" in 1970's Germany, but they're sure a whole lot of fun today.

Eegah Guy This is the only installment in this 10-film (I think) series of social-issue sexploitation I've managed yet to see. The English dubbing is hilariously bad, the soundtrack music by Gert Wilden is groooooovy and some of the interior furnishings on display are very cool like a TV set inside a white plastic shell. This is basically frothy and lighthearted in style even though it deals with subjects like gang rape, racism and incest. Swedish cult starlet Christina Lindberg appears in the most controversial segment as the girl who lusts after her brother.

Katy-13 This movie is a fake documentary on the sexual habits of teenagers/college age youth. The deep, newscaster-like voice of the narrator leads us through a series of vignettes, with different actors. The first deals with a girl who wants to trade sex for grades, which seems sort of cliche. In another episode, a black girl and her white boyfriend deal with their classmates' racism. There are a few other mini-plots, all with the requisite nudity and implied sex. The episodes focus on one or two characters who undergo a sort of 1 dimensional coming-of-age process. The fantastic, kitschy soundtrack is by Gert Wilden and his orchestra. A lot of his "Schulmadchen" hits seem to come from this movie. Also known as 'Campus Swingers'. The title translates as 'what drives parents to despair'. I never knew Germans could be so hip!