Smartorhypo Highly Overrated But Still Good

Iseerphia All that we are seeing on the screen is happening with real people, real action sequences in the background, forcing the eye to watch as if we were there.

Fatma Suarez The movie's neither hopeful in contrived ways, nor hopeless in different contrived ways. Somehow it manages to be wonderful

Geraldine The story, direction, characters, and writing/dialogue is akin to taking a tranquilizer shot to the neck, but everything else was so well done.

jadavix "Don't Go Near the Park" is one of the most bizarrely incompetent movies I have ever seen. I've watched it twice now, and still don't really know what it's about. There's something in there about cavemen being cursed to never die but continue to age. The only way the cavemen can stave off this awesome decrepitude is to eat the guts of children. They also hang out in a park, I think, which sort-of-explains the title. (?)Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.Can anything be made of all this?I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.

BA_Harrison These days, a visit to the local park might involve dodging drunks, knife wielding hoodies, drug addicts, or paedophiles, but at least there aren't 12,000 year old cannibals waiting in the bushes to snack on your guts!In trashy schlock horror Don't Go Near the Park, that's what is waiting for people who choose to ignore local superstition and wander into the wooded area that is home to immortal brother and sister, Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Barbara Bain). Cursed by their mother to suffer endless death but never die (?), these prehistoric siblings must eat the internal organs of their victims to survive, until the day when two Wolf stars are in perfect alignment and the sacrifice of a virgin descended from their tribe breaks the curse and grants them both eternal life.To ensure that they have a virgin of the correct stock handy when the time comes, Gar hooks up with a tasty blonde (Linnea Quigley), gets married, and knocks her up (all seemingly within the space of ten minutes): 16 years later, and it is Gar's daughter, Bondi (played by jail-bait cutie Tamara Taylor), who is to be sacrificed. When Bondi runs away from home, however, it looks as though she may escape this terrible fate—if only she didn't decide on the local park as her hiding place...This amazingly dumb plot is brought to life by a director, Lawrence D. Foldes, who is so inept behind the camera, it's a miracle that he took the lens cap off whilst filming, and a cast who make the acting in my son's nativity play look positively professional by comparison. That said, by some miracle, Don't Go Near the Park actually proves to be rather entertaining.There are plenty of unintentional laughs to be had at the expense of the pitiful dialogue. shoddy costumes, and dreadful effects, and the cheesy gore makes the film fun for those who enjoy their splatter (it was sufficiently bloody to win it a place on the official Video Nasties list). The film is also notable for Quigley's early role as Bondi's mother, which sees her actually trying to act (as well, of course, taking a shower when called upon). Further welcome nudity is supplied by young Tamara Taylor, who seems to get felt up by almost everyone, including Gar, some wannabe rapist teens, and an eight year old kid.The film ends in a suitably ridiculous manner, with Gar's sacrificial ritual going haywire, laser beams shooting from his eyes, zombies rising from the dead, and a twist ending that suggests that Bondi will carry on her family's entrails-eating tradition.Entertaining for all the wrong reasons, I rate Don't Go Near the Park an unbelievably generous 6/10.

trashgang Another one from the video nasties list. Again brutally cut but was that necessary? This is a strange movie, it's about longevity and how to get it. 12000 years ago a brother and his sister were condemned to perpetual dying but never death. a young virgin must be sacrificed to get salvation. So suddenly we are in present days with that brother killing people to eat there entrails, cannibalism in other words. But it's all shown in the worst effects you can get, especially the face turning older or younger, it's stop motion done. but it works in some way. The mother is played by Linnea Quigley, here in her 5th movie. She gives a good performance. Then the movie turns out that the child of Linnea is the chosen virgin she get's an amulet from her father coming from 12000 years ago, she runs from home getting in the park. But it's all so cheaply done, the score doesn't work, the editing is weird. And the child is played by Tamara Taylor, she only played in 5 movies this her first and nothing is know about her age. So they had to cut the love scene's and rape scene's she had to make. Even the scene's with Linnea and her brother were cut, in the cut version you see her undress, when she is almost on naked they cut to another scene, the full uncut shows her full frontal naked. The version I have (anchor bay) it's all left in, and don't worry, you are missing nothing, it's strange that this one has been cut, the zombies at the end are laughable too. A weird movie and hard to find uncut.

lost-in-limbo What to think? What to say? It's one of those. I couldn't keep my eyes off it, as there's something alluring about this ultra-disjointed and rough-around-the-edges schlock fest. It feels much older than it actually is. Maybe it's that elevator music that is the score? I don't care too much about it's bad rep, as you can't knock that it doesn't have it own sense of imagination (quite flip-out, boundless and senseless story-telling), however the execution is technically poor. Everything moves fast (too fast), as the story gets cluttered (as the time-line over the first half is rushed) with mangled and twisted ideas. It's a hard one to fathom. The exploitative script is interesting… to say the least. Some of the lines are amusingly laughable ("I'm sick of people trying to molest me" is said to a perverted young boy) and cracks out some very unlikely occurrences. All of this makes it quite an unpredictable smörgåsbord. Where else can you see two ancient cult siblings (a leaden Barbara Monker and… Crackers Phinn?) ripping open the stomachs of young kids and feeding on them to prevent premature ageing from a curse their mother bestowed on them for their cannibalism habits? Oh, that's an appetite. It's explicit, but primitive and clumsily staged. The FX effects for such a bare-bones production shouldn't really surprise how tatty they come across. The lumpy direction is unfocused and pacing can get sluggish. Towards the latter end there's an odd, abstract dream sequence that the female protagonist has that I liked how they presented it. The climax is spontaneously jaded and outlandishly baffling (with the best use of random laser eyes since 'The Dark (1979)"). Tacked on is a prolonged, surprise shock ending. Aldo Ray and Linda Quigley (two very watchable performers) also show up in minor parts. In the lead is an honest and more than capable Tamara Taylor.