Protraph Lack of good storyline.

BelSports This is a coming of age storyline that you've seen in one form or another for decades. It takes a truly unique voice to make yet another one worth watching.

Hattie I didn’t really have many expectations going into the movie (good or bad), but I actually really enjoyed it. I really liked the characters and the banter between them.

Francene Odetta It's simply great fun, a winsome film and an occasionally over-the-top luxury fantasy that never flags.

Comeuppance Reviews Charles Napier plays Robert Zorkin, a man who travels to Russia with his wife Susan (Kates), supposedly for a vacation. But it turns out he has a VHS tape that shows the Russians dealing in nuclear warheads with the mob. It seems Zorkin was the mentor to one "Rod Armstrong" (Zagarino). Armstrong is an ex-Navy SEAL who now trains people in Russia and is "very expensive". Joe Lara, appropriately enough, plays "Ponytail", the head of the gangsters who is menacing everyone in sight, not the least of which is Susan, who he chases all over Russia. Richard Lynch is the Russian General Zukov, who is a major part of the insanity. Will Rod Armstrong be able to stop the gangsters and evil Russians from stealing the nukes and perhaps launching them, and save the kidnapped Susan in the process? I know action movies don't have to be intelligent, but Armstrong is just so dumb it's really unbelievable. Zagarino usually brings the dumb, and here is no exception. In fact, if anything, he's outdone himself in the dumb department. He's beyond wooden. Rod Armstrong is stupid, unlikable, arrogant and annoying, and he usually has some sort of "shirt problem". Either his shirt is ripped, comes off, becomes unbuttoned, or he just plain forgets to wear one. It seems the filmmakers wanted very badly for him to be Dolph Lundgren, as his hair, makeup, and what's left of his outfits strongly recall Dolph. But Zagarino is not Dolph. Not by a long shot. Also he has numerous pictures of himself on his wall. Armstrong makes Project: Shadowchaser (1992) look like a masterpiece.One of the better things about Armstrong is its cast of familiar faces. Joe Lara goes over the top as Ponytail, but his unfinished beard really left a sense of incompleteness in the viewer's hearts. He resembles a mid-90's Dennis Miller. We liked him better as the good guy in such films as American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993) and Hologram Man (1995). Napier gets slightly more screen time here than in Center of the Web (1992), and he even gets to do some "Napier-Fu", but the extreme sweatiness is unpleasant. Kimberley Kates was a great choice for the eye candy, and Richard Lynch proves he's the most versatile guy in DTV cinema, here living it up as a drunken, carousing Russian military general, the next day playing an Italian gangster with aplomb.But sadly, try as they might, even the mightiest DTV cast cannot overcome the inanity of Armstrong. Whoever wrote the dialogue, you'd think they would be satisfied by the fact that is completely mind-numbing, but no, it's incredibly repetitive too! Many things are said more than once. I don't know which is worse, if it was unintentional, or if they were so proud of their great writing, the writer thought we should hear it multiple times. Or they could have assumed their audience is just stupid. Big mistake. The dialogue alone detracts major points from Armstrong.Because of the dialogue and dumbness, not to mention how irritating Rod Armstrong is, almost in a Sloane (1984) sort of way, you really don't care about the characters and situations. Add to that a jumbled and unclear plot and you have a serious mess on your hands. Perhaps the ultimate "turn off your brain" movie, unless you are a die hard fan of any of the actors here or DTV movies themselves, it might be wise to steer clear of Armstrong.For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

Wizard-8 You can take a boy out of his exploitation studio, but you can't take the exploitation spirit out of a boy. I was really interested to see what former Cannon studios head Menahem Golan could crank out years after making so many memorable schlocky movies from there. What made it especially interesting was that he here was working for Nu Image, what I consider to be the equivalent studio of this day and age. Plus, with B movie stars like Richard Lynch and Charles Napier, it looked like the movie would be a fun time.Sadly, ARMSTRONG isn't that much fun to watch despite all that promise that I described above. The look of the movie is pretty cheap - we have sloppy hand-held camera use, and although the action is supposedly taking place in Moscow, it sure doesn't look like Moscow (I suspected this was filmed in Bulgaria, and the end credits confirmed this.) In fact, the movie feels very much like a cheap '80s movie with its look and musical score, suggesting Golan hasn't learned more modern filming techniques.But the biggest sin the movie makes is that it's pretty dull. The movie is very slow-moving, with a lead who's very dull and surprisingly off camera for long chunks of the movie. The action sequences, where the movie should really deliver, are sluggish and lacking zip.I will admit that there are a few laughs in the movie. Menahem Golan's script has some mind-boggling bad lines of dialogue. There are also some hilarious continuity errors. The biggest laugh comes from the clothing the female lead puts on after stepping out of the shower (and keeps this hilarious outfit on for a long time afterwards.) If the movie had more unintended laughs like these, I might have recommended it, but the few laughs there are aren't worth the long periods of boredom you'll have to suffer.

Scarecrow-88 American soldiers Frank Zagarino and Charles Napier plan to thwart the mission of corrupt Russian Colonel and devious American Mafia leader to sell missiles to countries in demand, including a plot to bomb the Kremlin. Joe Lara is the sadistic Mafia thug who needs Napier's wife, Kimberley Kates, in order to find out what he was in Moscow for(..Napier is killed during a shootout as he and Zagarino find themselves in a battle with Lara and his men). Richard Lynch is the Russian Colonel who Zagarino was employed under before Napier gave him the goods on his involvement with the American Mafia, and the secret plans regarding the missiles.I must say that despite everything going against it(..the rather uninspired acting from a cast who seem to be going through the motions, the rather garbage plot, cheap sets(particularly Camp 14 where the crooked operations regarding the missiles take place), and rather sappy dialogue)that I found the action sequences rather thrilling. There's a really nifty chase where Lara and his goons pursue Kates(..who is wearing no bra or panties due to being interrupted by the Mafia shortly after a shower in her motel room)throughout the city of Bulgaria(..substituting Moscow)where she constantly eludes them, allowed to remain alive when often cornered due to the information that might benefit them regarding what she knows about her husband's business in Moscow. You can actually see how exhausted Kates is as she dodges gun fire, cars, and people while attempting to find some sort of escape route or hiding place. Lynch isn't menacing as much as he's nervous, bafoonish, sweaty, and drunk, while Lara goes so over-the-top in his portrayal as the Mafia scumbag that he's unintentionally hilarious. It seems Lara, however, revels in this role because of how despicable his character is..the idea that he is not only threatening the national security of his own country(..because frankly he could care less)but more than willing to watch innocent people perish all over the world due to terrorism from missiles he plans to sell. Napier again stars in a role that lasts only a short bit of screen time before he's off to collect a check. Kates is particularly yummy, in not a very noteworthy performance(..her physical work during the lengthly chase is to commended, though), and she has a full frontal nude scene that remains perhaps the film's most memorable highlight. Zagarino(..of the Project Shadowchaser films)is a low-rent, grade-Z, charisma-less hero phoning it in big time. Justin Carroll is Zagarino's Russian ally, the two joining forces to stop Lynch and Lara's scheming. Kates is often getting smacked around by Lara who needs information and doesn't appreciate it when she's not cooperative. I think director Menahem Golan effectively keeps the pace lively and stages some enthusiastic action sequences, but the plot, characters, and performances are lacking in quality.

Zantara Xenophobe NOTE: Minor spoilers here.Sometimes I come on this site and realize there are thousands upon thousands of movies in existence. I wonder how so many could be made, and then I think about cheap, simplistic movies like "Armstrong," and my wonders cease. Don't let familiar faces drag you to see this. All of them have been in a lot better movies, and it is a mystic puzzle how they could all participate in this. Frank Zagarino can be a good actor when he wants to, and is a hoot in the "Project: Shadowchaser" films; Joe Lara was in "Hologram Man," which was a pleasant surprise for me; and Charles Napier and Richard Lynch are veterans in the industry. But there is so much wrong with "Armstrong" that it is impossible to cover all the negative points and tough to decide where to start.Zagarino plays Rod Armstrong, an ex-CIA agent that now works as freelance muscle. He leaves America and goes to Moscow, where he is hired by high-ranking general Richard Lynch. Armstrong's former friend (Napier) arrives in Moscow with his young wife, and has knowledge that some Russians are not obeying an anti-nuke treaty. He is killed by Joe Lara, a member of the American Mafia put in charge of the Russian Mafia by corrupt Russian leaders. Armstrong vows to stop the plot. Speaking of plot, that is about it. You've probably seen hundreds of similar, better movies with the same plot, and can figure out every step of this one. Heck, the moment one sees Richard Lynch as a Russian colonel, you know he'll turn out to be corrupt. Even I could ignore the triviality of the plot, but the rest is inexcusable. The direction is awful. It jumps from scene to scene without a piece of inspiration. The "action" is really bad, and I doubt if even a good director could make them exciting with the script that this movie has. Take for example the scene where Lara breaks into Zagarino's home for the first time. A grenade is dropped, and to avoid death, Zagarino dives out the window and onto a pea soup green van unharmed. But no one else in the apartment gets out before the blast, but they still survive without a scratch. What's worse is that the blast doesn't even damage Zagarino's home, as it is intact in later scenes. Oh, but flaws like that are sprinkled throughout the film. Bad guys killed or knocked out suddenly show up a few scenes later, and at one point, a dead body in the background has a very noticeable leg twitch. I could go on and on...But the horrible dialogue is what makes you embarrassed to be viewing the film over all the other bad points. It is the worst I think I have ever heard. I usually just shake my head at bad dialogue, but when I heard Joe Lara say "He knows much too much" I laughed so loud I had to muffle my mouth with my hands. So if you are in the video rental store, and you spot this in the action section, secretly move it to the comedy section where it belongs. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10.